The Twelve Rewards

I love the Twelve Rewards of Sobriety! It is a list of things that you can expect to see in your life if you follow some simple principles.

1. Faith instead of despair.
2. Courage instead of fear.
3. Hope instead of desperation.
4. Peace of mind instead of confusion.
5. Real friendships instead of loneliness.
6. Self-respect instead of self-contempt.
7. Self-confidence instead of helplessness.
8. A clean conscious instead of a sense of guilt.
9. The respect of others instead of their pity and contempt.
10. A clean pattern of living instead of a hopeless existence.
11. The love and understanding of our families instead of their doubts and fears.
12. The freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of an alcoholic obsession.

Numbers 9 and 11 are among my favorites.

I was able to travel to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving this year to see my family. I had such a wonderful time. I honestly think that it was the best holiday that I can remember.

I received a call from my brother this week. Now, my older brother is my earthly hero. If someone were to compare me to him as a man, father, or a husband, I would be so honored. He called to tell me that the last couple of times that he has seen me he has noticed change in my life. He said that I seem at peace.

I have been sober for 5 and half years. I work daily on letting God run my life, cause I'm not very good at running my own. It was really wonderful to hear, from someone that I really respect, that my life is changing still. I'm not stagnant. That the rewards of living a life of sobriety that focuses on my daily contact with God are still coming.

Being sober is not enough for me. I want to live. I want to be the man that I am supposed to be. It is about progress and not perfection, but it sure is nice to see the progress, isn't it?

Every A.A. meeting ends with, "It works if you work it." I think that I will keep working it.

Stay strong and help someone else out today.

Johnny

Stumble It!

My Interview with the Junky's Wife

I had the opportunity to interview The Junky's Wife a couple of days ago and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Her and her husband had gone to the county detox to get him some help. Below is a snippet from her blog. The interview follows her writing. Those of you not addicted to a substance, keep this in mind; it is a monumental event when an addict seeks help. It may seem simple or sensible to you, but, let me assure you, that it is neither simple nor sensible to the addict. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to reach that point and then be turned away:

She handed him his discharge papers, and then she said, "I'm sorry, but we're not going to be able to help you. They can't take you at the county detox unless you get your methadone dose down to 30 milligrams. We recommend you go back to the methadone clinic and wean down according to their plan."

And that was it...no further suggestions for other resources. No attempts to help him with his suicidal threats. He began to cry, and he asked, "Is that it? There's nothing else? Nobody can help me? What if I kill myself? Can somebody help me with that?"

Now my interview with the wonderful blogger and amazing human being, The Junky's Wife. I'm grateful for the time she took to answer my questions.

Johnny: What was going through your mind when you were escorted from the place that should have been giving your family help?

The Junky's Wife: It was terrifying. For the first time, my husband was seeking help on his own...he's been places before to try to get help at my insistence, but this was the first time he'd really looked for himself. I'd hoped that his initiating the work would do the trick, and it was really upsetting to watch him treated like human trash. The doctors basically saw an uninsured, penniless addict, and the message they gave him was, "Go away and die, junky."

He went to two emergency rooms saying he felt like he was going to kill himself and that he needed help getting off drugs, and both places sent him away...I had hoped that it wasn't possible for these kinds of things to happen to people who wanted help, and I don't know if I would have believed it if I hadn't been there.


Johnny: If I were to '12 Step' your husband, what do you think the best approach would be?

The Junky's Wife: Respect that he's not got an option about his methadone maintenance. He's struggled around 12 step meetings because people have told him he's not clean if he's taking methadone and that he shouldn't be talking in meetings. He can't get off it at his dose, and he's not got any options other than to wean down according to his clinic's plan. He wants to be clean, and from what I understand, a desire to be clean is the only requirement for joining Narcotics Anonymous. He can't stay clean on his own, and N.A. shuns him...it's a situation a lot of heroin addicts who go the methadone route face, and it's a shame.

Rehab isn't an option in our state if you don't have money or health insurance and you need methadone. People at the methadone clinic don't tell you the whole story, and you don't find it out for yourself until you're too hooked on methadone to get off. My husband needs the support of a sponsor and the experience, strength, and hope of other addicts to be able to make it, and so far, he's not been able to find it. A little kindness and understanding and respect for the decisions he's made would go a long way.


Johnny: How will your writing change, if at all, WHEN your husband gets clean?

The Junky's Wife: I see my blog and its sister site The Junkies' Wives Club as part of my 12th step work. I am a writer by profession and by vocation, so I will never stop writing, and I don't foresee a time when my writing won't be a part of my recovery. I think I'd been in Nar-Anon for about a week when I started my blog, and it's become a real critical part of my journey. Sharing my story is part of my 12th step work...

I've also found it kind of interesting to watch the blog change as my focus has left my husband. At first, all I wrote about was him. I think I write a lot more about me now, and I expect the focus to continue to get clearer and clearer around my recovery and my issues.


Thanks again to the Junky's Wife, my prayers are with you and your husband. Everyone stay strong and help someone else out today.

Johnny

Stumble It!

Let Go, Let God...is it that easy?

"God is not moved by my tears, or by my fear. He is only moved by my faith."

That is what my younger brother, Justin, told me two nights ago. It was one of those weird statements that I heard and acknowledged, but it did not sit right. It hung in the back of my throat like a swallow of bad milk.

You mean that if I cry that God does not really care? When I am scared God moves on to listen to someone else?

It was not that I did not understand what Justin was saying. The problem was that, for the first time, I actually understood that statement.

In A.A. we use the term, "Let Go and Let God" quite a bit. What does that mean? It means have faith. I have to believe that God is on my side. I have to believe that if He is on my side then nobody and no "thing" can stand against me. I cannot claim to have faith and then be worried about what is going to happen to my home in this economy. I cannot say that I have faith then stress about what will happen to my job if GM goes bankrupt. I have to let it all go and let God do what he has promised. He is concerned for me and wants what is best for me, but what is best for me is to have complete faith that He will provide for me.

Justin made another comment that made perfect sense to me...for the first time ever. He said that, "fear is faith, just in the wrong thing." Faith is the belief in something not seen. Fear is a belief in something that most likely has not happened yet. So, when I fear for the future of my home, I am believing in something that I cannot see. I have faith in it.

I have come a long way in not worrying about my life, I have not perfected it, but I am making progress in the right direction. I have to let God do His part and I have to do mine. Mine is not to worry about anything, but in all things to give Him praise.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Johnny

Stumble It!

He is mine, you can't have Him...

Has the Church missed the mark? I think that the Church is an amazing thing and helps so many people find redemption, but I'm not sure it is exactly what God had in mind. I know too many Christians that are in an incredible amount of pain.

I am not even remotely implying that being a Christian makes you somehow immune to this life, but why isn't there more of a difference between Christians and Non-Christians? I recently had an interesting conversation with a friend. He said that a group has been studying things like divorce, bankruptcy, suicide, etc., for past couple of decades and that statistically there was no difference in the percentages if you were a Christian than if you weren't.

I was wondering how that could be. I haven't done any big study on this, but I was reading someone's story in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. She was one of the first women ever in A.A. She loved the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but couldn't get past the 'Higher Power' thing. One day she became very angry with some people and decided to show them by getting drunk again. This was when she had her spiritual awakening. In that moment she says that it made perfect sense to her. It wasn't about Religion. It was about freedom. Freedom to live.

Isn't that why Jesus came? Not so that I could be Evangelical Free and you could be Catholic, Methodist, Assembly of God, or Pentecostal. He came so that we could be free. I believe that the goal is to get back to that perfect relationship with God that existed in the Garden. I don't recall a lot of rules for Adam and Eve. Actually, there was just one. As soon as they broke that one rule God had a plan to get us back there; back to perfect communion with Him.

I'm always amazed at how an Alcoholic that has had no relationship with God, ever, gets it so much quicker than a "Christian" does. Maybe it is the desperation involved. However, I think that it revolves around maybe the greatest phrase in Alcoholics Anonymous, "The God of your understanding." I have a friend that said to me, "This is my God, you can't have Him. Find your own." He actually said it like a child with his favorite toy in hand. It really offended me, but later I understood what he was saying. Why would I want to worship the God of my friend's understanding? I have had a different life. I have been through different things. And, don't forget that God wants a unique, personal relationship with me. I guess that is why we are all so different, isn't it?

My Dad is a pastor and he gets a little fidgety when we start talking about "Higher Power" and "God of your understanding". The thing to remember is that I grew up knowing my Dad's God, not mine. I grew up understanding someone else's God and I ended up a drunk because that God couldn't possibly love me. He could forgive me, but only because he had too, not because he loved me.

James 4:8 tells us to draw close to God and He will draw close to us. It is personal. It is unique. The Big Book of A.A. says that if you draw near to God that he will reveal Himself to you. Now, who would you rather hear it from; God or me?

I since have found the God of my understanding. He is the God of the Bible that sent his son to die for me, but He is mine. You can't have Him. Go find Him for yourself.

Stay strong,

Johnny



Stumble It!

I am not really working the program

So, I am writing a friend back today about some recovery related issues and something hits me: I am not really working the program.

What! I am on the leadership team of a Mega Church's recovery ministry! How can I not be working a program.

So, I sit down and read through the steps:

• Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
• Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
• Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
• Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
• Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
• Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
• Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
• Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
• Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
• Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
• Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

After reading through the steps, guess what I found? I am working my own program. Guess what? It is not working very well.

I adhere to the 'Buffet' style of A.A., "Oh, I will take some of Step 1, a little bit of Step 4, but I am going to pass on Step 5 (I will get some of that on my next trip up). Oh look! They just brought out Step 8! Shoot, it is not prepared the way that I like it. I will just scoop out a smidgen of Step 11 and pass on Step 12 altogether."

I know that it sounds like I am being comical about this, but my heart is very heavy right now. I feel sad.

I emailed my sponsor tonight and told him that it was time to get back to the basics. Start working a program for real and not on my terms, but the way that it was intended to be worked; One day at a time, one step at a time.

Johnny

Stumble It!

I can't do it on my own

My is wife is going to kill me when she reads this, but I laid my motorcycle down today. It was not a big a deal. I was in a parking lot turning right and a truck with a very large trailer was turning towards me and didn't swing out wide enough...he was cutting off my path. If I had kept going his trailer would have hit me.

So, I hit the brakes, but broke the cardinal rule: Before you brake make sure that your motorcycle is not leaning. Well, the bike was leaning and, sure enough, it went right down.

Now, I have a Honda Shadow 1100. It is not a small bike. The owner's manual lists the bike at 678 pounds production weight. There are probably about 50 pounds of extras on it.

I tried. Lord knows that I tried hard to get that bike back up on two wheels. I am not a small guy, but I had no room to work. I was standing in wet grass just on the other side of a curb. I could not even budge it. The guy got out of the truck to help me. Even with both of us it was not that easy to get it back up on its wheels.

As I finished my ride into the office this morning I thought, "what if nobody had helped me?" Well, I would still be there. I am sure that I would have tried any number of a dozen different ways to try to remedy my situation, but I would have failed. Then it dawned on me that I handle most of my life that way; I do not ask for help. I either try different ways to fix my situation, I give up completely, or I try my best to forget about it.

Would it not be completely ridiculous for me to just leave my motorcycle siting in that parking lot rather than ask for help? However, if I am struggling with something like my emotions or my marriage I will try everything that I know then "walk away" from the problem.

In our recovery ministry meeting this past week we talked about "Hiding". I am a hider. I am the proverbial ostrich with its head stuck in the ground. It is weird. Some things I am as open as possible about and other things I just stay closed up on. I can not even really tell you why.

I believe that most of my problem is relationship based. I keep people pretty far away from me. I do not know why, but I am working on it. I do not have great friendships and part of me really hurts because of it. Plus, I know that I can't do this life on my own. I need your help.

Johnny

Stumble It!

Step 2: God, I don't know if you are up there....

We have all seen where the big hero of the movie is desperate. He, or someone that he loves, faces certain doom. On his knees, all sweaty, beaten, and bloodied he looks up and says, "Look, God or whoever you are, if you get me out of this I will never___________."

Here is something that you do not hear everyday about Hollywood: They got it right on this one!

Step 2 for you and I is no different from our humbled hero. He does not really acknowledge God; he does not even know who God is. He simply looks up and says if you are there please help me. That is Step 2.

You see, we have already tried everything that we can think of. Undoubtedly, our movie hero tried to shoot the bad guys, was probably in a car chase with the bad guys, tried his best karate moves on 6 or 7 of the bad guys at once, and still he came up short. He needed help. "I don't know if you are there, but if you are I need your help." I wonder how God feels when he hears that. I believe that my God is almost overwhelmed with joy when one of his kids says that.

Step 2 reads like this: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

People, there is no conversion here. There is no religion. There is no judgment. There is no punishment. This is just a person that has come to the end of a long rope and believes that if there is not a power greater than themselves out there, then they are screwed anyways, so they might as well give it a shot. The wonderful thing about desperate people is that when they give "something a shot" they typically go all out.

Don't kid yourself, A.A. is firmly rooted in Christianity, but you won't hear it talked about much in those rooms. Why not? The relationship is personal and unique. The relationship begins with a simple, "I don't know if you really exist..." Is that not how most relationships start out? First you get to know someone, then you start to trust them, then the love comes. It is no different with God.

So, it does not really matter where you are at with your Hurt, or your Habit, or your Hangup. According to Step 2, all that really matters is that you concede to the fact that there is something greater than you that can help you with these things. Whether you have a name for that "something greater" or not really does not matter.

We have tried to fix things ourselves, just like our movie hero, and we all end up in the same exact position; on our knees, bruised, and bloodied asking for help.

Johnny

I don’t live there anymore, but I do visit sometimes.

After finally finding the courage to stare yourself down and say, “I am going to change”, you dig deep and you change. It feels great. There is so much victory in no longer being a prisoner to yourself.

You coast along in your new found freedom. “Hey, that guy just cut me off and I am not mad! I cannot believe that I ever let the little stuff bother me.”

Then it happens.

That familiar feeling creeps back in and you react. On some level it feels great to release that emotion, but then comes the shame. “I thought I was done with that.”

In A.A. we say that it is all about “Progress, not Perfection”. That is the only way that we can live. Putting too much pressure on ourselves can have the opposite effect. Putting yourself under the microscope can cause you to fall further back into your old self.

When we fall back into our old ways, the best that we can do is to recognize it and move on. You may have to make some amends, but then you pull up your bootstraps and get back to work.

Often, I have to tell myself, that I am not really that guy anymore. Sure, I am going to make some mistakes and some old behavior will appear, but that doesn’t mean that I have failed. It just means that I am human.

Stay strong,

Johnny

God's Part, Our part

"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we could not do for ourselves."

One of the most exciting feelings that I get is when I "suddenly" realize that change has happened in my life. Typically is goes completely unnoticed by me until a familiar trigger comes my way and I do not want to react the way that always used to.

At the 180Xchange recovery ministry that I am involved in we always talk about God's Part and our part. When we concentrate on doing our part and let God do His part, low and behold, things change!

It is when I do my part and His part that life seems to fall apart. I am reminded of the Carrie Underwood song, "Jesus Take the Wheel". I would have written it just little differently, "Jesus Take the Wheel and then make my hands disappear so that I can not try to take it back from You." I know, I know, it's a little wordy, but it could work.

So many of us think that humility is such a horrible thing, but what humility does is remind us that we should never, "Take the Wheel." I wonder just how much of that is what sums up "Our Part."

I hated change before I got sober. Now it is my daily goal. There is no stress involved in it. It is actually fun for me. Some things change slower than others. Some things have not changed at all. That is okay with me. I have to think that my life is like a big game of Jenga. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are slowly pulling out each bad block. It is slow and sometimes I sway back and forth when the bad block does not want to come out and one of Them has to tug a little bit. So, if something in my life is not changing or it is just not happening fast enough for me, then it is because if that block was pulled out too soon the entire structure could come crumbling down. Maybe it is like that, maybe it is not, but either way I am going to let Them worry about that. I am just going to keep working on my daily conscious contact with God (my part) and let Him to the rest.

Stay strong and stay sober from whatever it is that you deal with: drugs, alcohol, sex, food, spending, TV, codependency...don't kid yourself, we are all broken and we all need recovery from something. If your church doesn't have an all encompassing recovery program...start one!

Johnny

Live Life on Life's Terms

My wife and I have been in a custody battle for her 11 year old son, Bailey. Kiley, my wife, gave up custody of her son while she was having a drug induced breakdown. She has regretted that decision ever since.

This past March we decided to go for custody because Bailey told us that he wanted to live with us. It is something that we had talked about for quite a while, but this pushed us over the edge. We hired a lawyer and started the process...the long, painful process.

I am not going to go through all the details and this certainly is not all about me, but I want share what I learned about myself through this: I can live life on life's terms.

It really only hit me about 3 weeks ago. I was thinking about how horrible the stress of this was. How worried I was about Kiley and how much I felt for Bailey. I have had a lot of sleepless nights. I have had a lot of bad days at work. I have been short with people. I have not eaten well. I missed too much church. However, not once did I think that I would be better off taking a drink.

Before sobriety, I simply was not cut out for living life. I could not cope with anything. The most mundane thing would stress me out and make me crave the feeling of cheap whiskey on my tongue. Since I stopped drinking and adopted a program for my life, I have gone through a divorce, had many financial hardships, had a brother in Afghanistan, and dealt with the loss of a custody trial. I never did drink. I don't even really recall struggling with it. My life may or may not suck right now, but it sucks much more when I drink.

We do not control life, but we can't let life control us either. I do not necessarily believe in, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I would rather say, "If life gives you lemon, don't get drunk."

No, we did not win the custody hearing, but I have to believe that God has a plan for Bailey's life that did not include him living with us right now. I am good with that.

My Brother, Afghanistan, and PCSD

I have had nightmares before. I have had panic attacks. I have drank to stop the fear. I don't even know what I was afraid of; I was just afraid.

My brother got back from Afghanistan this past May. His body came back whole and unbroken. His mind did not.

My tougher than nails brother has been crying lately. He can't stop the crying. He visits the mountains of Afghanistan when his eyes close. He doesn't want to be there. He wakes up in his kitchen saluting dead friends.

Post Combat Stress Disorder is what they say that he has. I don't know how they can call it a disorder. It seems to me that he is behaving exactly like he should be. Wouldn't it make more sense to call it a disorder when a combat weary soldier comes home and doesn't cry or doesn't have nightmares? That would concern me more.

We took this kid with an incredible heart and great love for people and gave him a gun and told him to fight. He did. People tried to kill him. He killed people. How do expect someone with that kind of love in their heart to come home and not fall apart when thinking about all that happened there?

When I think of the Armed Forces I think of bravery and leadership. Right now my brother is displaying both. Since he has gone into the hospital other members of his unit have come forward and have admitted that they are having serious issues. That alcohol has become the weapon that keeps them safe at night. They traded in their M16 for Jack Daniels.

My brother is a hero for what he did in the Middle East and now he is showing his leadership by wanting to be whole again. He is standing up and saying, "This isn't right. I'm not going to be this way anymore."

Other families are going to be affected by his decision. I'm proud of him. It has to take courage for one of these warriors to say that they aren't able to make it.

I was able to talk to him on the phone a couple of time while he was in Afghanistan. I would remind him of something that he said to me once, "There is no doubt in my mind that I'm coming home with all my body parts. I get this image in my head of this massive angel standing behind me with his wings wrapped around me to protect me. God's got my back over here."

God still has his back.

Johnny

Boundaries?

I was at an Overcomer's Outreach meeting on Thursday night. The leader of the meeting wanted to talk about what everyone's motivation was to stop their addiction; what kept them sober.

It isn't the first time that I was aware how lucky I am that my problem is alcohol. My heart goes out to people that have an addiction to something that they can't stay away from.

One of the biggest reasons that I've been able to stay sober for this long are boundaries. I know what my weaknesses are and I know what I need to avoid. For example I don't:

• go to bars
• go to parties
• have alcohol in my home
• tell stories of great drinking days
• stay somewhere when I start to feel edgy

Now, answer me this:
How does someone with codependency, a married man with a sexual addiction, or someone with an eating disorder have the same kind of boundaries?

As you can see with my boundaries, I try to make it impossible for me to even be around alcohol and I've been pretty successful with it. I know that it is bad for me and I know that it will kill me if take part in it again. There is no "learning to live with alcohol in my life" for me. Someone with a sexual addiction is still going to have very natural feelings that happen as a result of hormones. Let's say that they are married. Well, then sex would be a normal, regular part of their lives. Someone with an eating disorder still has to eat. A codependent can't just take off to the woods and never talk to a single person again the rest of their lives.

I think that all addictions require a renewing of the mind. I just that think that most alcoholics can stop drinking first then renew the mind later. A codependent person must renew their mind in parallel with fighting their addiction.

This is part of the reason why I am so excited that we are bringing a full spectrum recovery ministry to the church. How hard it must be for someone that is struggling so hard to not think lustful thoughts when they are surrounded by beautiful women, all day, that want to show the world just how awesome their bodies are? It would be like me becoming a busboy at a bar.

We have the opportunity to take the 12th step the world. If you are in recovery, from anything, then you have the duty to take it to them. Not just the drunks and the druggies, but all hurting people. If you believe that God gave mankind the 12 steps, as I do, then its power is for everyone.

My prayer goes out to all the still suffering addicts that can't get the cravings to go away.

Johnny

The Bottom

"I hit rock bottom and then I got sober."

Is there such a thing as rock bottom?

Why was my rock bottom different from yours?

This guy kills someone while driving drunk. He goes to jail for 10 years and then starts drinking again when he gets out of jail. What is his rock bottom? Is death his rock bottom?

I am not rambling. I have recently met an alcoholic that should have hit bottom, but I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice: he hasn't hit his bottom.

It is so hard to not grab him and shake him and let him know that there is a better life. Slap him and tell him that he can be happy.

Why are we all so different?

I went to a treatment center in Cushing, Oklahoma called Valley Hope. They have an impressive recovery rate of 20%. That means that 80% of the wonderful people that I met are most likely back in treatment, in jail, or dead. Why did I get it and they didn't?

I know that Jesus is the only reason that I am sober today. I know that for some reason that grace was shown to me. I don't want to minimize what I did. I'll never forget that day I left Valley Hope. I was so scared. I knew in my heart that I didn't have a chance. All I knew to do was to talk to God right then and there. I prayed, "God, I know that I will most likely fail, but I promise you that I will not go quietly. I will go down swinging." I meant it. I know that He knew that I meant it.

I guess that I don't really believe that someone has to reach a devastating bottom to realize how awful that their life has become. Maybe I should say that is my prayer. That one day we'll be able to reach out to the still suffering alcoholic and help them to see that there is life past alcohol; a life full and rich.

Please pray my friend that he sees the light before he finds a horrific bottom.

Johnny

Sober in West Virginia?

This October I turn 38.

I was telling a co-worker today that I do not see turning 38 as a bad thing at all. It seems that the older I get the better my decisions in life get. So, based on that logic, I should be pretty good in about 30 years.

Sorry, I'll get back on track here. This year for my birthday I am going backpacking Senaca Creek in Backcountry, West Virginia (cue banjo music!) with some guys from my church. My wife is going to be staying at a Bed & Breakfast in Smoke Hole, Virginia. I will be meeting up with her on a Sunday night and we will spend the evening together before heading back home on Monday.

On the surface, I suppose that this is something that is common enough for a guy to do, but I can't help but think that I would not be going backpacking if I wasn't sober.

I am so looking forward to spending time in nature just being in awe of God and His creation.

I am planning on taking a notebook and recording my thoughts and my activities while I am there. I hope to write about it after I get back...if the bears don't get me!

I have been thinking about how much alcohol robs you of life. As soon as I get done typing I'm going to go play my electric guitar. Probably jam out to some Jeremy Camp songs. I could not have done that while I was drinking. I didn't care about anything else, while I was drinking, accept for drinking. Now I get to enjoy life.

Walking through the mountains of West Virginia is going to be a way for me to take back something that was taken from me. I am going to breathe the fresh air, drink crystal clear stream water, and be amazed at how fast I can run away from an angry bear!

Isn't life sober so much better?

Take care of yourself and just don't drink today!

Johnny

Do I "Got the Power"

Every morning for the last three weeks I've been reading a chapter in the book of Acts. Everyday I walk away asking myself the same question, "Where is that power today?"

I talk to more Christians today that seem to be trying too hard to hear God's voice. People that seem to be seeking so hard to know His will for their lives.

Why was it different for Peter? For Paul? Neither really had to struggle to know God's will and direction. I pray and pray about a situation and then end up going with my gut. God would talk to Peter and tell him that,
"...some guy would be coming by his house and knocking on his door precisely at 3 o'clock in the afternoon wearing a blue Colts jersey and mismatched socks. He's going to ask you to change the tire on his 1999 Silver Ford Taurus that has 98,435 miles on it. After you change his tire give him a glass of water and that blue shirt you bought at Old Navy last March."

What is up with that? What was so different about Peter and Paul? Don't feed me the, "Well, that was for 'back then'." God is an unchanging God.

If God is an unchanging God then I have to assume that I am doing something different, or not doing something at all, that the disciples and apostles were doing. I suppose that the first thing that comes to mind is distractions. The followers of Christ ,at the time, had one purpose for being on this planet: to tell people about Jesus. Me? Well, let's see? I work 40 to 55 hours per week. I have two dogs that require a lot of my attention. I have my stepson, Bailey, every other weekend and half the summer. I have a house that needs to be cleaned. Grass that needs to be mowed. I won't take my vehicles into the shop for any reason at all, and sometimes it takes me a lot of time to figure out how to fix them myself. Oh, and I spend a few hours a week working on my church's Recovery Ministry....'a few hours a week'.

My faith and my evangelistic heart (tongue-in-cheek) are so far down the list that I'm not even sure that they count.

We've covered priorities, now let's look at discipline!

I mentioned that I get up each morning and read a chapter of the Bible. Now, I'm almost certain that that puts me into a small percentage of Christians that actually do that. Wow, look at me! I read the Bible everyday. The power of the Spirit must flow out of me like water from a broken levee! Riiiight.

Wait! I do pray..."God, I want to be better at_________please help me to be more like Jesus in that area." "God, thank you for helping me stop drinking." "God, thank you for my wonderful wife and the redemption that you have given with her."

I suppose that these are wonderful prayers and that they are heard, but is it what God has in mind? Acts talks of men praying and fasting....lots of fasting. Fasting? You have got to be kidding me! I am hungry right now!

I do know that a relationship with God is about progress, not perfection. I will be perfect in that relationship, one day, but until then I am looking for progress. I am seeing that progress, as slow as it may seem at times. However, I want that power. I want to quote scripture and see lives changed. I want to lay hands on someone that is sick and watch God heal them. I want to see someone whose life is tormented by evil and cast that spirit of addiction out of them. Why not? Peter did it. Paul did it. John did it. Am I not a child of God? Does the same Spirit live in me that lived in Peter, the Rock?

God has not changed. Jesus is still the Messiah and when He physically left this world He sent his Spirit. He didn't send the "A-Team" Spirit and then later sent the Spirit that sits on the bench. The same Spirit that lives in me is the same Spirit that Paul had.

In Ephesians, Paul talks about believers having the same power that Jesus had. I don't see that in my life.

Let's get started!

Last night was our first rehearsal for the recovery ministry worship team. It was odd. We had never played together before so it was hard at first, but we started to get used to each other.

I never realized just how much worship music out there is completely geared towards men. We are going to have to transpose to a key more suited to the ladies.

I talked with Greg (Pastor that's leading this ministry) and got some really exciting news. He met with the head Pastor and church is completely behind us. They want the "180 Exchange" to help the church meet the needs of hurting people. He expects this to really take off.

I'm just so excited to be a part of this.

Johnny

Quiet and Reflective

Wednesday night marked my 4th anniversary of sobriety. Not a single person said a word to me. Now, some of you might think that is pathetically sad, but it wasn't. It was absolutely perfect.

The focus wasn't on me. I didn't have a moment to think what an 'awesome' job I had done. Instead I was able to spend a lot of the day thinking how amazing God is and how I still don't get why He cares so much for me. He took a pathetic drunk and put him on His back and carried him through his lowest point.

I make no apologies for saying that I am only sober today because the strength that I have found in Christ. Not in people, not in A.A., not the folks at Valley Hope treatment center, not my church, but in Christ alone. All those people along the way have indeed helped me, but grace took me out of my perpetual darkness and brought me to light.

I understand people not wanting to turn their lives over to Christ. Heck, I believed in Jesus and still didn't want to turn my life over to him. As awful as I was at running my life, I still felt this need to be in control. I had proved over and over again that me being in control was like a blind man directing traffic, but I still thought I would do a better job that God would have done.

I also understand people thinking that turning your life over to Christ is losing all freedom. I'm here today to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Me being who I was created to be is the only freedom there is. We were made to be perfect in God's eyes. To worship Him and, in return, to be cared for by Him. When sin entered the world we lost all that. We were separated from God. Jesus made all that better. Now when God sees me he is looking through Jesus shades. There is a filter in between me and God. That filter is Jesus.

I am truly free now.

I'm glad that nobody remember the day. I'm glad that was able to focus on He who got me where I am today.

Be safe, be strong,

Johnny

Remebering Back

I don't put a lot of clout in how long I've been sober; I'm only one drink away from being a drunk again.

That being said, when I come up on my anniversary I always reflect on how different my life is now that I've stopped drinking. It's never been hard for me to remember exactly what my last week was like before I went in for treatment. Looking back, I can't believe that I didn't have to make a trip to the hospital. I drank like...well, like there was no tomorrow.

It is safe to say that I've never been as scared as I was four years ago right now. The best way that I can explain it is thinking about death without hope in Christ: "What will it be like?"

I couldn't fathom a life without alcohol. I couldn't imagine what it would be like.

Now I look back and I am amazed at God's grace and redemption. Why He invested so much time and love on a self-centered drunk is way beyond me, but it taught me something about God's character that is essential to my sobriety: God loves me just like I am right now. He's not up there thinking, "If Johnny didn't do this I would be able to fully love him."

I don't think that most of us can comprehend being unconditionally loved. Parents claim to understand because they unconditionally love their children, but if you talk to 98%(I made that number up!) of the children of those same parents they will tell you that their parents did not love them unconditionally.

So, where is our frame of reference? Nobody loves everyone unconditionally. How do we grasp that God loves us so much? I don't know. I think that I'm starting to glimpse it, but I can't explain it very well. I'll stick with what Paul says, "...while we were yet sinners he sent his son, Jesus, to die for us. I guess that pretty much defines unconditional love, doesn't it?


Be safe, stay sober, and know that you are forgiven,

Johnny

4 years and it still affects me

Last night I was working at my 2nd job. It is a place that outfits police cars with lights, sirens, etc... So, as you can imagine, it's a shop, but not with the typical "shop atmosphere".

The owner of the company is a Christian and most of the guys there, though not believers, are pretty good guys. They don't spend much time talking about the girls they've had. We laugh, poke fun at each other, and just have an all around good time while we work.

We had been working on a new Crown Vic and a new Tahoe that the guys were taking to an Outfitters convention in Chicago this weekend. We knew that last night was going to be a long night. We had to get everything done before we left for the night.

At about 7:30 one of the guys said that he needed some beer. So, he left for about 15 minutes and came back with some. When he got back a couple of the guys started drinking the beer.

There were open beer cans on the main work table that we were working on. That really didn't bother me at all, but their breath was sending chills down my spine. It's amazing to me that smell, more than any other sense, can such an amazing affect on my body.

I have stayed sober for four years by having some serious, non-negotiable boundaries. In other words, I would have left if I had felt really uncomfortable.

It made me think about my boundaries. People are always asking me how I've stayed sober. I believe that God is responsible for my sobriety. However, I believe the way that He did it was by giving me boundaries and giving me the ability to buy into them.

I don't have to make hard choices about my sobriety because I don't let myself get into situations where I have to make those hard choices. I have the same boundaries with my marriage. I don't have close relationships with any other women than my wife. That way I don't have to make a hard choice about an affair.

I don't go to bars, I don't go to Super Bowl Parties, I don't talk about my drinking days like they were "Glory Days".

Those are concrete things that I can avoid, but what about my triggers? I don't tolerate guilt in my life. When I do something wrong I make amends right away. If it's more of a character issue, I ask forgiveness and then I ACCEPT the forgiveness. If my mind tries to bring up the issue again I remind myself that God's Word tells me that He forgives me and I move on.

I also have given my list of triggers to the people in my life that I trust. They what know what to look for and they know what do to if they see me depressed, angry for too long, or if I start to seclude myself.

I think what it all boils down to is trying my best to never have to be holding a whiskey and coke in my hands and waiting for that time to make a decision.

My trust is not in my boundaries. My trust is in God, but I keep the boundaries. I guess that I kind of feel like Moses and my boundaries are my 10 commandments!

I would be glad to talk to anyone about boundaries. Buzz me if anyone wants to know more.

Be safe and stay sober,

Johnny

The Ball is Rolling

We had our first meeting about starting the recovery ministry at church. I didn't really know what to expect. I knew some of the people there, but none of them well. There were about 12 people that showed up.

I think that the makeup of the meeting showed what our intentions are. There were only three alcoholics there. The rest were made up of people that had pain in there life, from a source other than alcohol or drugs. That is part of what we are trying to accomplish. Anybody that tries to cope with life's problems with something that is unhealthy or not in moderation is in need of some kind of recovery help.

I think that what I was excited about the most was the level of intelligence and passion in the room. There was a former Judge, two counselors, and several business people. All were very passionate about why they thought our church needed to bring recovery into the mainstream church.

It was our fist meeting. The second should come sometime in the middle of May '07.

I will post more about our progress.

Remember: Life is about progress, not perfection.

Take care of yourselves,

Johnny