Consequences: It's never my fault!

Definition
Consequences: something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions

Some days I wish that I could pass blame for my life to someone, or something else. Trust me, I spent a good part of my life resting, in perfect peace, that my life was someone else's fault. My marriage was a mess because of the example that I had. I drank so much because I had to deal with all that guilt and shame that I had learned growing up. I gained so much weight because something was wrong with my body. All of those things were true, but not an excuse.

We are prepared for our adult life by a set of people that, most likely, had the same type of childhood that we did. If I'm not at fault for the adult life because of my parents, then how can my parents be held responsible? Did they not have parents too? My Grandparents are wonderful people, but they sucked as parents to my Mom. Great! That means that I can blame my Grandparents for my horrible choices! What? Oh. You're right, they had parents too. Then who in the hell am I supposed to blame?

How 'bout I blame the person responsible. What say I blame the person that ate anything and everything that he could get his hands on. I think that some blame goes to the person that was controlling and verbally abusive to his wife. Let's not forget to blame the guy that was guzzling whiskey from the bottle at six in the morning and would not stop until he blacked out or ran out of drink.

I did all those things. Me. I can't pass the buck any longer. I have to take personal responsibility for my life. Right now, it appears that I'm going to fall 'victim' to the economic woes of this world; I'm going to lose my house. Victim? I bought a house with no money down on an interest only loan for 5 years. Sound like a 'victim' to you? Me neither. It is me paying the consequences for making a poor decision.

Part of sobriety is placing the blame where it belongs. I can no longer afford to side-step my role in my own life. I make my own choices, I make my own decisions, and I pay for them; good or bad.

It feels good to take ownership. It feels good to feel horrible about the poor choices and to work through it. We hurt people along the way. When I own my actions, I can make amends and move on.

I am not a bad person, but I have made bad choices. All I can do it try to do the next 'right' thing.

Stay strong and help someone else out today.

Johnny

Stumble It!

I can't do it on my own

My is wife is going to kill me when she reads this, but I laid my motorcycle down today. It was not a big a deal. I was in a parking lot turning right and a truck with a very large trailer was turning towards me and didn't swing out wide enough...he was cutting off my path. If I had kept going his trailer would have hit me.

So, I hit the brakes, but broke the cardinal rule: Before you brake make sure that your motorcycle is not leaning. Well, the bike was leaning and, sure enough, it went right down.

Now, I have a Honda Shadow 1100. It is not a small bike. The owner's manual lists the bike at 678 pounds production weight. There are probably about 50 pounds of extras on it.

I tried. Lord knows that I tried hard to get that bike back up on two wheels. I am not a small guy, but I had no room to work. I was standing in wet grass just on the other side of a curb. I could not even budge it. The guy got out of the truck to help me. Even with both of us it was not that easy to get it back up on its wheels.

As I finished my ride into the office this morning I thought, "what if nobody had helped me?" Well, I would still be there. I am sure that I would have tried any number of a dozen different ways to try to remedy my situation, but I would have failed. Then it dawned on me that I handle most of my life that way; I do not ask for help. I either try different ways to fix my situation, I give up completely, or I try my best to forget about it.

Would it not be completely ridiculous for me to just leave my motorcycle siting in that parking lot rather than ask for help? However, if I am struggling with something like my emotions or my marriage I will try everything that I know then "walk away" from the problem.

In our recovery ministry meeting this past week we talked about "Hiding". I am a hider. I am the proverbial ostrich with its head stuck in the ground. It is weird. Some things I am as open as possible about and other things I just stay closed up on. I can not even really tell you why.

I believe that most of my problem is relationship based. I keep people pretty far away from me. I do not know why, but I am working on it. I do not have great friendships and part of me really hurts because of it. Plus, I know that I can't do this life on my own. I need your help.

Johnny

Stumble It!

My Brother, Afghanistan, and PCSD

I have had nightmares before. I have had panic attacks. I have drank to stop the fear. I don't even know what I was afraid of; I was just afraid.

My brother got back from Afghanistan this past May. His body came back whole and unbroken. His mind did not.

My tougher than nails brother has been crying lately. He can't stop the crying. He visits the mountains of Afghanistan when his eyes close. He doesn't want to be there. He wakes up in his kitchen saluting dead friends.

Post Combat Stress Disorder is what they say that he has. I don't know how they can call it a disorder. It seems to me that he is behaving exactly like he should be. Wouldn't it make more sense to call it a disorder when a combat weary soldier comes home and doesn't cry or doesn't have nightmares? That would concern me more.

We took this kid with an incredible heart and great love for people and gave him a gun and told him to fight. He did. People tried to kill him. He killed people. How do expect someone with that kind of love in their heart to come home and not fall apart when thinking about all that happened there?

When I think of the Armed Forces I think of bravery and leadership. Right now my brother is displaying both. Since he has gone into the hospital other members of his unit have come forward and have admitted that they are having serious issues. That alcohol has become the weapon that keeps them safe at night. They traded in their M16 for Jack Daniels.

My brother is a hero for what he did in the Middle East and now he is showing his leadership by wanting to be whole again. He is standing up and saying, "This isn't right. I'm not going to be this way anymore."

Other families are going to be affected by his decision. I'm proud of him. It has to take courage for one of these warriors to say that they aren't able to make it.

I was able to talk to him on the phone a couple of time while he was in Afghanistan. I would remind him of something that he said to me once, "There is no doubt in my mind that I'm coming home with all my body parts. I get this image in my head of this massive angel standing behind me with his wings wrapped around me to protect me. God's got my back over here."

God still has his back.

Johnny

Boundaries?

I was at an Overcomer's Outreach meeting on Thursday night. The leader of the meeting wanted to talk about what everyone's motivation was to stop their addiction; what kept them sober.

It isn't the first time that I was aware how lucky I am that my problem is alcohol. My heart goes out to people that have an addiction to something that they can't stay away from.

One of the biggest reasons that I've been able to stay sober for this long are boundaries. I know what my weaknesses are and I know what I need to avoid. For example I don't:

• go to bars
• go to parties
• have alcohol in my home
• tell stories of great drinking days
• stay somewhere when I start to feel edgy

Now, answer me this:
How does someone with codependency, a married man with a sexual addiction, or someone with an eating disorder have the same kind of boundaries?

As you can see with my boundaries, I try to make it impossible for me to even be around alcohol and I've been pretty successful with it. I know that it is bad for me and I know that it will kill me if take part in it again. There is no "learning to live with alcohol in my life" for me. Someone with a sexual addiction is still going to have very natural feelings that happen as a result of hormones. Let's say that they are married. Well, then sex would be a normal, regular part of their lives. Someone with an eating disorder still has to eat. A codependent can't just take off to the woods and never talk to a single person again the rest of their lives.

I think that all addictions require a renewing of the mind. I just that think that most alcoholics can stop drinking first then renew the mind later. A codependent person must renew their mind in parallel with fighting their addiction.

This is part of the reason why I am so excited that we are bringing a full spectrum recovery ministry to the church. How hard it must be for someone that is struggling so hard to not think lustful thoughts when they are surrounded by beautiful women, all day, that want to show the world just how awesome their bodies are? It would be like me becoming a busboy at a bar.

We have the opportunity to take the 12th step the world. If you are in recovery, from anything, then you have the duty to take it to them. Not just the drunks and the druggies, but all hurting people. If you believe that God gave mankind the 12 steps, as I do, then its power is for everyone.

My prayer goes out to all the still suffering addicts that can't get the cravings to go away.

Johnny

Sober in West Virginia?

This October I turn 38.

I was telling a co-worker today that I do not see turning 38 as a bad thing at all. It seems that the older I get the better my decisions in life get. So, based on that logic, I should be pretty good in about 30 years.

Sorry, I'll get back on track here. This year for my birthday I am going backpacking Senaca Creek in Backcountry, West Virginia (cue banjo music!) with some guys from my church. My wife is going to be staying at a Bed & Breakfast in Smoke Hole, Virginia. I will be meeting up with her on a Sunday night and we will spend the evening together before heading back home on Monday.

On the surface, I suppose that this is something that is common enough for a guy to do, but I can't help but think that I would not be going backpacking if I wasn't sober.

I am so looking forward to spending time in nature just being in awe of God and His creation.

I am planning on taking a notebook and recording my thoughts and my activities while I am there. I hope to write about it after I get back...if the bears don't get me!

I have been thinking about how much alcohol robs you of life. As soon as I get done typing I'm going to go play my electric guitar. Probably jam out to some Jeremy Camp songs. I could not have done that while I was drinking. I didn't care about anything else, while I was drinking, accept for drinking. Now I get to enjoy life.

Walking through the mountains of West Virginia is going to be a way for me to take back something that was taken from me. I am going to breathe the fresh air, drink crystal clear stream water, and be amazed at how fast I can run away from an angry bear!

Isn't life sober so much better?

Take care of yourself and just don't drink today!

Johnny

Quiet and Reflective

Wednesday night marked my 4th anniversary of sobriety. Not a single person said a word to me. Now, some of you might think that is pathetically sad, but it wasn't. It was absolutely perfect.

The focus wasn't on me. I didn't have a moment to think what an 'awesome' job I had done. Instead I was able to spend a lot of the day thinking how amazing God is and how I still don't get why He cares so much for me. He took a pathetic drunk and put him on His back and carried him through his lowest point.

I make no apologies for saying that I am only sober today because the strength that I have found in Christ. Not in people, not in A.A., not the folks at Valley Hope treatment center, not my church, but in Christ alone. All those people along the way have indeed helped me, but grace took me out of my perpetual darkness and brought me to light.

I understand people not wanting to turn their lives over to Christ. Heck, I believed in Jesus and still didn't want to turn my life over to him. As awful as I was at running my life, I still felt this need to be in control. I had proved over and over again that me being in control was like a blind man directing traffic, but I still thought I would do a better job that God would have done.

I also understand people thinking that turning your life over to Christ is losing all freedom. I'm here today to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Me being who I was created to be is the only freedom there is. We were made to be perfect in God's eyes. To worship Him and, in return, to be cared for by Him. When sin entered the world we lost all that. We were separated from God. Jesus made all that better. Now when God sees me he is looking through Jesus shades. There is a filter in between me and God. That filter is Jesus.

I am truly free now.

I'm glad that nobody remember the day. I'm glad that was able to focus on He who got me where I am today.

Be safe, be strong,

Johnny

The Ball is Rolling

We had our first meeting about starting the recovery ministry at church. I didn't really know what to expect. I knew some of the people there, but none of them well. There were about 12 people that showed up.

I think that the makeup of the meeting showed what our intentions are. There were only three alcoholics there. The rest were made up of people that had pain in there life, from a source other than alcohol or drugs. That is part of what we are trying to accomplish. Anybody that tries to cope with life's problems with something that is unhealthy or not in moderation is in need of some kind of recovery help.

I think that what I was excited about the most was the level of intelligence and passion in the room. There was a former Judge, two counselors, and several business people. All were very passionate about why they thought our church needed to bring recovery into the mainstream church.

It was our fist meeting. The second should come sometime in the middle of May '07.

I will post more about our progress.

Remember: Life is about progress, not perfection.

Take care of yourselves,

Johnny

Lost a friend

Last Saturday I had to put one of my dogs to sleep. I rescued Sasha almost 3 years ago. My dogs are a very important part of my sobriety. I think that they give me just a glimpse of how my God loves me; unconditionally.

I rescue boxers because that's what I think happened to me. I feel like nobody wanted me. I had some kind of flaw that made people look past me. Then one day a man walks by my cage and says, "This one. This is the one that want." Then he takes me home and loves and cares for me.

I miss Sasha terribly, but I know that she is running and playing with Leo and Duke (my two other rescues that have passed on).

I prayed right after I left the vet on Saturday and asked God that If I do get any treasures in heaven, if it's okay with Him, I would like those treasures to be a big open field and all my dogs. I can't imagine a better heaven than that.

Stay strong and stay sober.

Johnny