Quiet and Reflective

Wednesday night marked my 4th anniversary of sobriety. Not a single person said a word to me. Now, some of you might think that is pathetically sad, but it wasn't. It was absolutely perfect.

The focus wasn't on me. I didn't have a moment to think what an 'awesome' job I had done. Instead I was able to spend a lot of the day thinking how amazing God is and how I still don't get why He cares so much for me. He took a pathetic drunk and put him on His back and carried him through his lowest point.

I make no apologies for saying that I am only sober today because the strength that I have found in Christ. Not in people, not in A.A., not the folks at Valley Hope treatment center, not my church, but in Christ alone. All those people along the way have indeed helped me, but grace took me out of my perpetual darkness and brought me to light.

I understand people not wanting to turn their lives over to Christ. Heck, I believed in Jesus and still didn't want to turn my life over to him. As awful as I was at running my life, I still felt this need to be in control. I had proved over and over again that me being in control was like a blind man directing traffic, but I still thought I would do a better job that God would have done.

I also understand people thinking that turning your life over to Christ is losing all freedom. I'm here today to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Me being who I was created to be is the only freedom there is. We were made to be perfect in God's eyes. To worship Him and, in return, to be cared for by Him. When sin entered the world we lost all that. We were separated from God. Jesus made all that better. Now when God sees me he is looking through Jesus shades. There is a filter in between me and God. That filter is Jesus.

I am truly free now.

I'm glad that nobody remember the day. I'm glad that was able to focus on He who got me where I am today.

Be safe, be strong,

Johnny

Remebering Back

I don't put a lot of clout in how long I've been sober; I'm only one drink away from being a drunk again.

That being said, when I come up on my anniversary I always reflect on how different my life is now that I've stopped drinking. It's never been hard for me to remember exactly what my last week was like before I went in for treatment. Looking back, I can't believe that I didn't have to make a trip to the hospital. I drank like...well, like there was no tomorrow.

It is safe to say that I've never been as scared as I was four years ago right now. The best way that I can explain it is thinking about death without hope in Christ: "What will it be like?"

I couldn't fathom a life without alcohol. I couldn't imagine what it would be like.

Now I look back and I am amazed at God's grace and redemption. Why He invested so much time and love on a self-centered drunk is way beyond me, but it taught me something about God's character that is essential to my sobriety: God loves me just like I am right now. He's not up there thinking, "If Johnny didn't do this I would be able to fully love him."

I don't think that most of us can comprehend being unconditionally loved. Parents claim to understand because they unconditionally love their children, but if you talk to 98%(I made that number up!) of the children of those same parents they will tell you that their parents did not love them unconditionally.

So, where is our frame of reference? Nobody loves everyone unconditionally. How do we grasp that God loves us so much? I don't know. I think that I'm starting to glimpse it, but I can't explain it very well. I'll stick with what Paul says, "...while we were yet sinners he sent his son, Jesus, to die for us. I guess that pretty much defines unconditional love, doesn't it?


Be safe, stay sober, and know that you are forgiven,

Johnny

Lost a friend

Last Saturday I had to put one of my dogs to sleep. I rescued Sasha almost 3 years ago. My dogs are a very important part of my sobriety. I think that they give me just a glimpse of how my God loves me; unconditionally.

I rescue boxers because that's what I think happened to me. I feel like nobody wanted me. I had some kind of flaw that made people look past me. Then one day a man walks by my cage and says, "This one. This is the one that want." Then he takes me home and loves and cares for me.

I miss Sasha terribly, but I know that she is running and playing with Leo and Duke (my two other rescues that have passed on).

I prayed right after I left the vet on Saturday and asked God that If I do get any treasures in heaven, if it's okay with Him, I would like those treasures to be a big open field and all my dogs. I can't imagine a better heaven than that.

Stay strong and stay sober.

Johnny

Celebrate Recovery

I was approached about a month ago about giving my thoughts on a new program at my church called "Celebrate Recovery". The idea is to take the alcoholics and addicts out of the small room in the basement of the church.

I think that putting recovery at the forefront is a wonderful idea. Saddleback church, in Lake Forest, California, started Celebrate Recovery to address the issues that Christians face in dealing with sobriety,addictions, co-dependency, and pain in general.

Well, I fell in love with the program. We are going to start meeting to discuss how a "Celebrate Recovery" ministry might look in suburban Indiana.

I am going be updating the ongoings of this ministry in these pages. I hope to be able to share with you how we approached this important issue.

Take care,

Johnny

The 12th

I ran into a guy the other day that I know. The scene really sent chills down my back. He smelled like whiskey and his hands shook so badly that you would have thought that he had Parkinson's disease.

It really sent me back to before I quit drinking. I remember always having my arms folded in a defiant stance. I suppose that it showed "Power", but I was only trying to hide my hands. No matter what I did I could not stop them from shaking.

I've been sober for about 4 years now and have never had the opportunity to talk to an alcoholic that was nearing the bottom.

It wasn't what I had expected at all. I thought there would either be angry yells, or tearful hugs. I did not expect detached admittance. I suppose, for me, this was best...as if that's what matters here.

He said that he would cut back his drinking. Actually what he said is that he knew that he couldn't cut back, but that was going to be his first step.

We talked some about the fallacy of "admitting" being the first step. Sure, it's part of it. Admitting that you are powerless over alcohol is the first step.

I'm going to get him some AA information. He said that he'd be very interested in going to a meeting with me.

It was a great experience for me and he knows where to turn to when he figures it all out.

Johnny