Under Attack

I have always thought that self pity is like a dandelion; left alone it will spread and cover every part of your life. Personally, I think that dandelions are pretty. They look like a flower to me, but they are a weed that will completely take over if left alone.

I am running in self pity gear right now. I could go into "why", but that would just fuel the pity.

This is not the norm for me. I have a pretty good track record of confidence in who I am in Christ since I got sober.

I believe that I am under attack. The 180Xchange kicked off this past week. The 180Xchange is a bridge ministry between a 12 step program and hurting people that don't have what we would call an "addiction" by the worlds standards. There were 70 people at the launch of the 180Xchange! The church is a place filled with hurting people. People that want life to be different, but just can't quite figure it out. Satan does not want us to help them figure it out.

So, Satan opens up his bag of tricks and throws a "Gosh, Johnny, why do people treat you that way?" or "Man, when is this same old crap ever going to end for you?" And wouldn't you know, I have not handled it well. I fell for the old tricks. Honestly, I have recognized what's going on, but I'm still working through it.

I do know this: If I don't rebuke this and get my focus off of myself and get my focus back on God then Satan will get what he wants. What does he want? He wants for the leadership of this recovery ministry to start falling by the wayside. He wants me to become ineffective. He wants me to fail. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! Satan has come to steal, kill, and to destroy, but Jesus came for life!

If you happen to read this, please pray for me. Pray that I will change that focus and start acting like what God has made me: Strong and Free!

Johnny

The Crazy Mind of the Alcohlic

It has been a good year. All the bills get paid on time. The 180Xchange Recovery Ministry is going to start in a couple of weeks. I'm getting so much enjoyment of out of being the band for the 180. Kiley and I are really working hard at being husband and wife. Oh, and work is going really well.

This past Friday I got a promotion. I got the promotion after making a presentation to the VP of Strategic Relations of our company. I went from worker bee to supervising some incredibly talented people.

After getting the word that they liked my idea I got on the elevator to go down to the floor that I work currently work on. I was so excited. The promotion was awesome, but having the important people at my company saying that they loved my idea was something really special. Alone in that elevator I got a visit from an old "friend": craving.

That ride from the 6th floor to the 5th floor seemed to take hours; maybe days. It has been so long since I have had a craving to drink that badly. It took my breath away.

You hear people say things about alcoholics. Things like, "Why can't they just stop?" or, "Why can't they just have a couple of drinks?" or even, "He just got our of treatment, why is he drinking again?"

He I was so excited about something that was good in my life. Something that I have worked so hard for. Something that would never have been possible if I wasn't sober and yet here I was wanting a drink so badly that I was shaking.

Make no mistake, being an alcoholic makes you insane. Reason has no room in the mind of a drunk; sober or not.

I was at an A.A meeting last week when I heard someone else's insanity. An older guy, a lawyer in fact, said that he first started thinking about getting sober that the only thing that he could think of was that if he stopped drinking that he would never get laid again. That is insanity.

I don't know exactly how the drug affects the brain, but it changes it. It changes it forever. I still have to think before I do things. I still have to disregard my first choice. I still have to stand in an elevator and remind myself that:

1. I am powerless of alcohol and that, were I to drink again, my life would be unmanageable.
2. That a power great than me could restore me to sanity.
3. That if I turn my will and my life over to the God of my understand that he would help me.

...and He did.

God of My Understanding

Step 3:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives our to the care of God as we understood Him.


It always amazes me how this step really offends Christians. My question to those offended: Do you really believe that anybody else on the planet has the same understanding that you do about your God?

The wonderful part of the journey is learning who God is to you. I read the story of the Prodigal Son and I gain an understanding of God that is completely different from the guy sitting next to me. Why? Because my life has been different. I have had different experiences than he has. Maybe he didn't have a Father. Maybe his Father abused him. Are either of us wrong? I don't think so. Are either of us correct? No.

If I were to look back at my life and chart out my understanding of God I would find some basic commonalities, but I'm guessing that I would see some major changes in the way that I understand my God.

A couple of months ago our pastor did a sermon on Noah's Ark. In great detail he explained, once it started raining, how he envisioned that people were fighting to get to the highest peak of the nearest mountain. Along the way people would have been pushing others out of the way; women, children, the elderly too. Those closest to the water would have seen the floating bodies of those women, children, and old folks. My God sent a flood to rid the earth of unrighteousness. In doing so, infants drowned. Answer me this: How can that not change your understanding of your God?

If you come to an AA meeting and you tell me that want to be sober, but you can't grasp the concept of God, I will encourage you to pick whatever 'Higher Power' that you want. We can work on figuring out who God is, to you, together.

Knowing God is partly about knowing Grace and patience. God is not like us, but we feel free to become very resentful when people don't have our 'Higher Power'. I wonder why. The God of my understanding doesn't feel that way, why do we?

I believe that you can love someone to Christ. I also believe that you can't resent someone to Him.

Come through the doors, choose your God as you understand Him right now, and we'll start the journey together.

Johnny

My Brother, Afghanistan, and PCSD

I have had nightmares before. I have had panic attacks. I have drank to stop the fear. I don't even know what I was afraid of; I was just afraid.

My brother got back from Afghanistan this past May. His body came back whole and unbroken. His mind did not.

My tougher than nails brother has been crying lately. He can't stop the crying. He visits the mountains of Afghanistan when his eyes close. He doesn't want to be there. He wakes up in his kitchen saluting dead friends.

Post Combat Stress Disorder is what they say that he has. I don't know how they can call it a disorder. It seems to me that he is behaving exactly like he should be. Wouldn't it make more sense to call it a disorder when a combat weary soldier comes home and doesn't cry or doesn't have nightmares? That would concern me more.

We took this kid with an incredible heart and great love for people and gave him a gun and told him to fight. He did. People tried to kill him. He killed people. How do expect someone with that kind of love in their heart to come home and not fall apart when thinking about all that happened there?

When I think of the Armed Forces I think of bravery and leadership. Right now my brother is displaying both. Since he has gone into the hospital other members of his unit have come forward and have admitted that they are having serious issues. That alcohol has become the weapon that keeps them safe at night. They traded in their M16 for Jack Daniels.

My brother is a hero for what he did in the Middle East and now he is showing his leadership by wanting to be whole again. He is standing up and saying, "This isn't right. I'm not going to be this way anymore."

Other families are going to be affected by his decision. I'm proud of him. It has to take courage for one of these warriors to say that they aren't able to make it.

I was able to talk to him on the phone a couple of time while he was in Afghanistan. I would remind him of something that he said to me once, "There is no doubt in my mind that I'm coming home with all my body parts. I get this image in my head of this massive angel standing behind me with his wings wrapped around me to protect me. God's got my back over here."

God still has his back.

Johnny

Boundaries?

I was at an Overcomer's Outreach meeting on Thursday night. The leader of the meeting wanted to talk about what everyone's motivation was to stop their addiction; what kept them sober.

It isn't the first time that I was aware how lucky I am that my problem is alcohol. My heart goes out to people that have an addiction to something that they can't stay away from.

One of the biggest reasons that I've been able to stay sober for this long are boundaries. I know what my weaknesses are and I know what I need to avoid. For example I don't:

• go to bars
• go to parties
• have alcohol in my home
• tell stories of great drinking days
• stay somewhere when I start to feel edgy

Now, answer me this:
How does someone with codependency, a married man with a sexual addiction, or someone with an eating disorder have the same kind of boundaries?

As you can see with my boundaries, I try to make it impossible for me to even be around alcohol and I've been pretty successful with it. I know that it is bad for me and I know that it will kill me if take part in it again. There is no "learning to live with alcohol in my life" for me. Someone with a sexual addiction is still going to have very natural feelings that happen as a result of hormones. Let's say that they are married. Well, then sex would be a normal, regular part of their lives. Someone with an eating disorder still has to eat. A codependent can't just take off to the woods and never talk to a single person again the rest of their lives.

I think that all addictions require a renewing of the mind. I just that think that most alcoholics can stop drinking first then renew the mind later. A codependent person must renew their mind in parallel with fighting their addiction.

This is part of the reason why I am so excited that we are bringing a full spectrum recovery ministry to the church. How hard it must be for someone that is struggling so hard to not think lustful thoughts when they are surrounded by beautiful women, all day, that want to show the world just how awesome their bodies are? It would be like me becoming a busboy at a bar.

We have the opportunity to take the 12th step the world. If you are in recovery, from anything, then you have the duty to take it to them. Not just the drunks and the druggies, but all hurting people. If you believe that God gave mankind the 12 steps, as I do, then its power is for everyone.

My prayer goes out to all the still suffering addicts that can't get the cravings to go away.

Johnny

The Bottom

"I hit rock bottom and then I got sober."

Is there such a thing as rock bottom?

Why was my rock bottom different from yours?

This guy kills someone while driving drunk. He goes to jail for 10 years and then starts drinking again when he gets out of jail. What is his rock bottom? Is death his rock bottom?

I am not rambling. I have recently met an alcoholic that should have hit bottom, but I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice: he hasn't hit his bottom.

It is so hard to not grab him and shake him and let him know that there is a better life. Slap him and tell him that he can be happy.

Why are we all so different?

I went to a treatment center in Cushing, Oklahoma called Valley Hope. They have an impressive recovery rate of 20%. That means that 80% of the wonderful people that I met are most likely back in treatment, in jail, or dead. Why did I get it and they didn't?

I know that Jesus is the only reason that I am sober today. I know that for some reason that grace was shown to me. I don't want to minimize what I did. I'll never forget that day I left Valley Hope. I was so scared. I knew in my heart that I didn't have a chance. All I knew to do was to talk to God right then and there. I prayed, "God, I know that I will most likely fail, but I promise you that I will not go quietly. I will go down swinging." I meant it. I know that He knew that I meant it.

I guess that I don't really believe that someone has to reach a devastating bottom to realize how awful that their life has become. Maybe I should say that is my prayer. That one day we'll be able to reach out to the still suffering alcoholic and help them to see that there is life past alcohol; a life full and rich.

Please pray my friend that he sees the light before he finds a horrific bottom.

Johnny

Sober in West Virginia?

This October I turn 38.

I was telling a co-worker today that I do not see turning 38 as a bad thing at all. It seems that the older I get the better my decisions in life get. So, based on that logic, I should be pretty good in about 30 years.

Sorry, I'll get back on track here. This year for my birthday I am going backpacking Senaca Creek in Backcountry, West Virginia (cue banjo music!) with some guys from my church. My wife is going to be staying at a Bed & Breakfast in Smoke Hole, Virginia. I will be meeting up with her on a Sunday night and we will spend the evening together before heading back home on Monday.

On the surface, I suppose that this is something that is common enough for a guy to do, but I can't help but think that I would not be going backpacking if I wasn't sober.

I am so looking forward to spending time in nature just being in awe of God and His creation.

I am planning on taking a notebook and recording my thoughts and my activities while I am there. I hope to write about it after I get back...if the bears don't get me!

I have been thinking about how much alcohol robs you of life. As soon as I get done typing I'm going to go play my electric guitar. Probably jam out to some Jeremy Camp songs. I could not have done that while I was drinking. I didn't care about anything else, while I was drinking, accept for drinking. Now I get to enjoy life.

Walking through the mountains of West Virginia is going to be a way for me to take back something that was taken from me. I am going to breathe the fresh air, drink crystal clear stream water, and be amazed at how fast I can run away from an angry bear!

Isn't life sober so much better?

Take care of yourself and just don't drink today!

Johnny

Do I "Got the Power"

Every morning for the last three weeks I've been reading a chapter in the book of Acts. Everyday I walk away asking myself the same question, "Where is that power today?"

I talk to more Christians today that seem to be trying too hard to hear God's voice. People that seem to be seeking so hard to know His will for their lives.

Why was it different for Peter? For Paul? Neither really had to struggle to know God's will and direction. I pray and pray about a situation and then end up going with my gut. God would talk to Peter and tell him that,
"...some guy would be coming by his house and knocking on his door precisely at 3 o'clock in the afternoon wearing a blue Colts jersey and mismatched socks. He's going to ask you to change the tire on his 1999 Silver Ford Taurus that has 98,435 miles on it. After you change his tire give him a glass of water and that blue shirt you bought at Old Navy last March."

What is up with that? What was so different about Peter and Paul? Don't feed me the, "Well, that was for 'back then'." God is an unchanging God.

If God is an unchanging God then I have to assume that I am doing something different, or not doing something at all, that the disciples and apostles were doing. I suppose that the first thing that comes to mind is distractions. The followers of Christ ,at the time, had one purpose for being on this planet: to tell people about Jesus. Me? Well, let's see? I work 40 to 55 hours per week. I have two dogs that require a lot of my attention. I have my stepson, Bailey, every other weekend and half the summer. I have a house that needs to be cleaned. Grass that needs to be mowed. I won't take my vehicles into the shop for any reason at all, and sometimes it takes me a lot of time to figure out how to fix them myself. Oh, and I spend a few hours a week working on my church's Recovery Ministry....'a few hours a week'.

My faith and my evangelistic heart (tongue-in-cheek) are so far down the list that I'm not even sure that they count.

We've covered priorities, now let's look at discipline!

I mentioned that I get up each morning and read a chapter of the Bible. Now, I'm almost certain that that puts me into a small percentage of Christians that actually do that. Wow, look at me! I read the Bible everyday. The power of the Spirit must flow out of me like water from a broken levee! Riiiight.

Wait! I do pray..."God, I want to be better at_________please help me to be more like Jesus in that area." "God, thank you for helping me stop drinking." "God, thank you for my wonderful wife and the redemption that you have given with her."

I suppose that these are wonderful prayers and that they are heard, but is it what God has in mind? Acts talks of men praying and fasting....lots of fasting. Fasting? You have got to be kidding me! I am hungry right now!

I do know that a relationship with God is about progress, not perfection. I will be perfect in that relationship, one day, but until then I am looking for progress. I am seeing that progress, as slow as it may seem at times. However, I want that power. I want to quote scripture and see lives changed. I want to lay hands on someone that is sick and watch God heal them. I want to see someone whose life is tormented by evil and cast that spirit of addiction out of them. Why not? Peter did it. Paul did it. John did it. Am I not a child of God? Does the same Spirit live in me that lived in Peter, the Rock?

God has not changed. Jesus is still the Messiah and when He physically left this world He sent his Spirit. He didn't send the "A-Team" Spirit and then later sent the Spirit that sits on the bench. The same Spirit that lives in me is the same Spirit that Paul had.

In Ephesians, Paul talks about believers having the same power that Jesus had. I don't see that in my life.

Let's get started!

Last night was our first rehearsal for the recovery ministry worship team. It was odd. We had never played together before so it was hard at first, but we started to get used to each other.

I never realized just how much worship music out there is completely geared towards men. We are going to have to transpose to a key more suited to the ladies.

I talked with Greg (Pastor that's leading this ministry) and got some really exciting news. He met with the head Pastor and church is completely behind us. They want the "180 Exchange" to help the church meet the needs of hurting people. He expects this to really take off.

I'm just so excited to be a part of this.

Johnny

Quiet and Reflective

Wednesday night marked my 4th anniversary of sobriety. Not a single person said a word to me. Now, some of you might think that is pathetically sad, but it wasn't. It was absolutely perfect.

The focus wasn't on me. I didn't have a moment to think what an 'awesome' job I had done. Instead I was able to spend a lot of the day thinking how amazing God is and how I still don't get why He cares so much for me. He took a pathetic drunk and put him on His back and carried him through his lowest point.

I make no apologies for saying that I am only sober today because the strength that I have found in Christ. Not in people, not in A.A., not the folks at Valley Hope treatment center, not my church, but in Christ alone. All those people along the way have indeed helped me, but grace took me out of my perpetual darkness and brought me to light.

I understand people not wanting to turn their lives over to Christ. Heck, I believed in Jesus and still didn't want to turn my life over to him. As awful as I was at running my life, I still felt this need to be in control. I had proved over and over again that me being in control was like a blind man directing traffic, but I still thought I would do a better job that God would have done.

I also understand people thinking that turning your life over to Christ is losing all freedom. I'm here today to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Me being who I was created to be is the only freedom there is. We were made to be perfect in God's eyes. To worship Him and, in return, to be cared for by Him. When sin entered the world we lost all that. We were separated from God. Jesus made all that better. Now when God sees me he is looking through Jesus shades. There is a filter in between me and God. That filter is Jesus.

I am truly free now.

I'm glad that nobody remember the day. I'm glad that was able to focus on He who got me where I am today.

Be safe, be strong,

Johnny

Remebering Back

I don't put a lot of clout in how long I've been sober; I'm only one drink away from being a drunk again.

That being said, when I come up on my anniversary I always reflect on how different my life is now that I've stopped drinking. It's never been hard for me to remember exactly what my last week was like before I went in for treatment. Looking back, I can't believe that I didn't have to make a trip to the hospital. I drank like...well, like there was no tomorrow.

It is safe to say that I've never been as scared as I was four years ago right now. The best way that I can explain it is thinking about death without hope in Christ: "What will it be like?"

I couldn't fathom a life without alcohol. I couldn't imagine what it would be like.

Now I look back and I am amazed at God's grace and redemption. Why He invested so much time and love on a self-centered drunk is way beyond me, but it taught me something about God's character that is essential to my sobriety: God loves me just like I am right now. He's not up there thinking, "If Johnny didn't do this I would be able to fully love him."

I don't think that most of us can comprehend being unconditionally loved. Parents claim to understand because they unconditionally love their children, but if you talk to 98%(I made that number up!) of the children of those same parents they will tell you that their parents did not love them unconditionally.

So, where is our frame of reference? Nobody loves everyone unconditionally. How do we grasp that God loves us so much? I don't know. I think that I'm starting to glimpse it, but I can't explain it very well. I'll stick with what Paul says, "...while we were yet sinners he sent his son, Jesus, to die for us. I guess that pretty much defines unconditional love, doesn't it?


Be safe, stay sober, and know that you are forgiven,

Johnny

Recovery Ministry meeting #2

A few of us met in between services yesterday to talk about how the Recovery Ministry would be presented to the church. Someone said that they liked the name "Exchange 180" so that's how I'm going to start referring to it. It's easier to type!

It was a good meeting. I think the most important thing we walked away with was the need to create a mission statement that would state our agenda. We don't want people that are hurting to think that we are hiding something or that we want something from them.

I was also struck with the fact that the four men in the meeting were so different and had such different perspectives. We have one guy in the group that is very old school AA and that is great. We need that balance.

Greg talked about starting the program beginning in September instead of January. This really excited me. Getting the word out about this ministry is going to be easy. I'm going to ask Greg if he can talk to our Pastor of small groups and see if he can't get me invited to speak at some or our small groups to share about Exchange 180 and what we are trying to accomplish and who we are trying to serve. I think that getting the word out to our congregation will provide a very natural and steady funnel of people that want something in their lives to change.

Stay strong, be safe, and trust the Lord,

Johnny

4 years and it still affects me

Last night I was working at my 2nd job. It is a place that outfits police cars with lights, sirens, etc... So, as you can imagine, it's a shop, but not with the typical "shop atmosphere".

The owner of the company is a Christian and most of the guys there, though not believers, are pretty good guys. They don't spend much time talking about the girls they've had. We laugh, poke fun at each other, and just have an all around good time while we work.

We had been working on a new Crown Vic and a new Tahoe that the guys were taking to an Outfitters convention in Chicago this weekend. We knew that last night was going to be a long night. We had to get everything done before we left for the night.

At about 7:30 one of the guys said that he needed some beer. So, he left for about 15 minutes and came back with some. When he got back a couple of the guys started drinking the beer.

There were open beer cans on the main work table that we were working on. That really didn't bother me at all, but their breath was sending chills down my spine. It's amazing to me that smell, more than any other sense, can such an amazing affect on my body.

I have stayed sober for four years by having some serious, non-negotiable boundaries. In other words, I would have left if I had felt really uncomfortable.

It made me think about my boundaries. People are always asking me how I've stayed sober. I believe that God is responsible for my sobriety. However, I believe the way that He did it was by giving me boundaries and giving me the ability to buy into them.

I don't have to make hard choices about my sobriety because I don't let myself get into situations where I have to make those hard choices. I have the same boundaries with my marriage. I don't have close relationships with any other women than my wife. That way I don't have to make a hard choice about an affair.

I don't go to bars, I don't go to Super Bowl Parties, I don't talk about my drinking days like they were "Glory Days".

Those are concrete things that I can avoid, but what about my triggers? I don't tolerate guilt in my life. When I do something wrong I make amends right away. If it's more of a character issue, I ask forgiveness and then I ACCEPT the forgiveness. If my mind tries to bring up the issue again I remind myself that God's Word tells me that He forgives me and I move on.

I also have given my list of triggers to the people in my life that I trust. They what know what to look for and they know what do to if they see me depressed, angry for too long, or if I start to seclude myself.

I think what it all boils down to is trying my best to never have to be holding a whiskey and coke in my hands and waiting for that time to make a decision.

My trust is not in my boundaries. My trust is in God, but I keep the boundaries. I guess that I kind of feel like Moses and my boundaries are my 10 commandments!

I would be glad to talk to anyone about boundaries. Buzz me if anyone wants to know more.

Be safe and stay sober,

Johnny

The Ball is Rolling

We had our first meeting about starting the recovery ministry at church. I didn't really know what to expect. I knew some of the people there, but none of them well. There were about 12 people that showed up.

I think that the makeup of the meeting showed what our intentions are. There were only three alcoholics there. The rest were made up of people that had pain in there life, from a source other than alcohol or drugs. That is part of what we are trying to accomplish. Anybody that tries to cope with life's problems with something that is unhealthy or not in moderation is in need of some kind of recovery help.

I think that what I was excited about the most was the level of intelligence and passion in the room. There was a former Judge, two counselors, and several business people. All were very passionate about why they thought our church needed to bring recovery into the mainstream church.

It was our fist meeting. The second should come sometime in the middle of May '07.

I will post more about our progress.

Remember: Life is about progress, not perfection.

Take care of yourselves,

Johnny

Lost a friend

Last Saturday I had to put one of my dogs to sleep. I rescued Sasha almost 3 years ago. My dogs are a very important part of my sobriety. I think that they give me just a glimpse of how my God loves me; unconditionally.

I rescue boxers because that's what I think happened to me. I feel like nobody wanted me. I had some kind of flaw that made people look past me. Then one day a man walks by my cage and says, "This one. This is the one that want." Then he takes me home and loves and cares for me.

I miss Sasha terribly, but I know that she is running and playing with Leo and Duke (my two other rescues that have passed on).

I prayed right after I left the vet on Saturday and asked God that If I do get any treasures in heaven, if it's okay with Him, I would like those treasures to be a big open field and all my dogs. I can't imagine a better heaven than that.

Stay strong and stay sober.

Johnny

Celebrate Recovery

I was approached about a month ago about giving my thoughts on a new program at my church called "Celebrate Recovery". The idea is to take the alcoholics and addicts out of the small room in the basement of the church.

I think that putting recovery at the forefront is a wonderful idea. Saddleback church, in Lake Forest, California, started Celebrate Recovery to address the issues that Christians face in dealing with sobriety,addictions, co-dependency, and pain in general.

Well, I fell in love with the program. We are going to start meeting to discuss how a "Celebrate Recovery" ministry might look in suburban Indiana.

I am going be updating the ongoings of this ministry in these pages. I hope to be able to share with you how we approached this important issue.

Take care,

Johnny

The 12th

I ran into a guy the other day that I know. The scene really sent chills down my back. He smelled like whiskey and his hands shook so badly that you would have thought that he had Parkinson's disease.

It really sent me back to before I quit drinking. I remember always having my arms folded in a defiant stance. I suppose that it showed "Power", but I was only trying to hide my hands. No matter what I did I could not stop them from shaking.

I've been sober for about 4 years now and have never had the opportunity to talk to an alcoholic that was nearing the bottom.

It wasn't what I had expected at all. I thought there would either be angry yells, or tearful hugs. I did not expect detached admittance. I suppose, for me, this was best...as if that's what matters here.

He said that he would cut back his drinking. Actually what he said is that he knew that he couldn't cut back, but that was going to be his first step.

We talked some about the fallacy of "admitting" being the first step. Sure, it's part of it. Admitting that you are powerless over alcohol is the first step.

I'm going to get him some AA information. He said that he'd be very interested in going to a meeting with me.

It was a great experience for me and he knows where to turn to when he figures it all out.

Johnny