Under Attack

I have always thought that self pity is like a dandelion; left alone it will spread and cover every part of your life. Personally, I think that dandelions are pretty. They look like a flower to me, but they are a weed that will completely take over if left alone.

I am running in self pity gear right now. I could go into "why", but that would just fuel the pity.

This is not the norm for me. I have a pretty good track record of confidence in who I am in Christ since I got sober.

I believe that I am under attack. The 180Xchange kicked off this past week. The 180Xchange is a bridge ministry between a 12 step program and hurting people that don't have what we would call an "addiction" by the worlds standards. There were 70 people at the launch of the 180Xchange! The church is a place filled with hurting people. People that want life to be different, but just can't quite figure it out. Satan does not want us to help them figure it out.

So, Satan opens up his bag of tricks and throws a "Gosh, Johnny, why do people treat you that way?" or "Man, when is this same old crap ever going to end for you?" And wouldn't you know, I have not handled it well. I fell for the old tricks. Honestly, I have recognized what's going on, but I'm still working through it.

I do know this: If I don't rebuke this and get my focus off of myself and get my focus back on God then Satan will get what he wants. What does he want? He wants for the leadership of this recovery ministry to start falling by the wayside. He wants me to become ineffective. He wants me to fail. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! Satan has come to steal, kill, and to destroy, but Jesus came for life!

If you happen to read this, please pray for me. Pray that I will change that focus and start acting like what God has made me: Strong and Free!

Johnny

The Crazy Mind of the Alcohlic

It has been a good year. All the bills get paid on time. The 180Xchange Recovery Ministry is going to start in a couple of weeks. I'm getting so much enjoyment of out of being the band for the 180. Kiley and I are really working hard at being husband and wife. Oh, and work is going really well.

This past Friday I got a promotion. I got the promotion after making a presentation to the VP of Strategic Relations of our company. I went from worker bee to supervising some incredibly talented people.

After getting the word that they liked my idea I got on the elevator to go down to the floor that I work currently work on. I was so excited. The promotion was awesome, but having the important people at my company saying that they loved my idea was something really special. Alone in that elevator I got a visit from an old "friend": craving.

That ride from the 6th floor to the 5th floor seemed to take hours; maybe days. It has been so long since I have had a craving to drink that badly. It took my breath away.

You hear people say things about alcoholics. Things like, "Why can't they just stop?" or, "Why can't they just have a couple of drinks?" or even, "He just got our of treatment, why is he drinking again?"

He I was so excited about something that was good in my life. Something that I have worked so hard for. Something that would never have been possible if I wasn't sober and yet here I was wanting a drink so badly that I was shaking.

Make no mistake, being an alcoholic makes you insane. Reason has no room in the mind of a drunk; sober or not.

I was at an A.A meeting last week when I heard someone else's insanity. An older guy, a lawyer in fact, said that he first started thinking about getting sober that the only thing that he could think of was that if he stopped drinking that he would never get laid again. That is insanity.

I don't know exactly how the drug affects the brain, but it changes it. It changes it forever. I still have to think before I do things. I still have to disregard my first choice. I still have to stand in an elevator and remind myself that:

1. I am powerless of alcohol and that, were I to drink again, my life would be unmanageable.
2. That a power great than me could restore me to sanity.
3. That if I turn my will and my life over to the God of my understand that he would help me.

...and He did.

God of My Understanding

Step 3:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives our to the care of God as we understood Him.


It always amazes me how this step really offends Christians. My question to those offended: Do you really believe that anybody else on the planet has the same understanding that you do about your God?

The wonderful part of the journey is learning who God is to you. I read the story of the Prodigal Son and I gain an understanding of God that is completely different from the guy sitting next to me. Why? Because my life has been different. I have had different experiences than he has. Maybe he didn't have a Father. Maybe his Father abused him. Are either of us wrong? I don't think so. Are either of us correct? No.

If I were to look back at my life and chart out my understanding of God I would find some basic commonalities, but I'm guessing that I would see some major changes in the way that I understand my God.

A couple of months ago our pastor did a sermon on Noah's Ark. In great detail he explained, once it started raining, how he envisioned that people were fighting to get to the highest peak of the nearest mountain. Along the way people would have been pushing others out of the way; women, children, the elderly too. Those closest to the water would have seen the floating bodies of those women, children, and old folks. My God sent a flood to rid the earth of unrighteousness. In doing so, infants drowned. Answer me this: How can that not change your understanding of your God?

If you come to an AA meeting and you tell me that want to be sober, but you can't grasp the concept of God, I will encourage you to pick whatever 'Higher Power' that you want. We can work on figuring out who God is, to you, together.

Knowing God is partly about knowing Grace and patience. God is not like us, but we feel free to become very resentful when people don't have our 'Higher Power'. I wonder why. The God of my understanding doesn't feel that way, why do we?

I believe that you can love someone to Christ. I also believe that you can't resent someone to Him.

Come through the doors, choose your God as you understand Him right now, and we'll start the journey together.

Johnny

My Brother, Afghanistan, and PCSD

I have had nightmares before. I have had panic attacks. I have drank to stop the fear. I don't even know what I was afraid of; I was just afraid.

My brother got back from Afghanistan this past May. His body came back whole and unbroken. His mind did not.

My tougher than nails brother has been crying lately. He can't stop the crying. He visits the mountains of Afghanistan when his eyes close. He doesn't want to be there. He wakes up in his kitchen saluting dead friends.

Post Combat Stress Disorder is what they say that he has. I don't know how they can call it a disorder. It seems to me that he is behaving exactly like he should be. Wouldn't it make more sense to call it a disorder when a combat weary soldier comes home and doesn't cry or doesn't have nightmares? That would concern me more.

We took this kid with an incredible heart and great love for people and gave him a gun and told him to fight. He did. People tried to kill him. He killed people. How do expect someone with that kind of love in their heart to come home and not fall apart when thinking about all that happened there?

When I think of the Armed Forces I think of bravery and leadership. Right now my brother is displaying both. Since he has gone into the hospital other members of his unit have come forward and have admitted that they are having serious issues. That alcohol has become the weapon that keeps them safe at night. They traded in their M16 for Jack Daniels.

My brother is a hero for what he did in the Middle East and now he is showing his leadership by wanting to be whole again. He is standing up and saying, "This isn't right. I'm not going to be this way anymore."

Other families are going to be affected by his decision. I'm proud of him. It has to take courage for one of these warriors to say that they aren't able to make it.

I was able to talk to him on the phone a couple of time while he was in Afghanistan. I would remind him of something that he said to me once, "There is no doubt in my mind that I'm coming home with all my body parts. I get this image in my head of this massive angel standing behind me with his wings wrapped around me to protect me. God's got my back over here."

God still has his back.

Johnny

Boundaries?

I was at an Overcomer's Outreach meeting on Thursday night. The leader of the meeting wanted to talk about what everyone's motivation was to stop their addiction; what kept them sober.

It isn't the first time that I was aware how lucky I am that my problem is alcohol. My heart goes out to people that have an addiction to something that they can't stay away from.

One of the biggest reasons that I've been able to stay sober for this long are boundaries. I know what my weaknesses are and I know what I need to avoid. For example I don't:

• go to bars
• go to parties
• have alcohol in my home
• tell stories of great drinking days
• stay somewhere when I start to feel edgy

Now, answer me this:
How does someone with codependency, a married man with a sexual addiction, or someone with an eating disorder have the same kind of boundaries?

As you can see with my boundaries, I try to make it impossible for me to even be around alcohol and I've been pretty successful with it. I know that it is bad for me and I know that it will kill me if take part in it again. There is no "learning to live with alcohol in my life" for me. Someone with a sexual addiction is still going to have very natural feelings that happen as a result of hormones. Let's say that they are married. Well, then sex would be a normal, regular part of their lives. Someone with an eating disorder still has to eat. A codependent can't just take off to the woods and never talk to a single person again the rest of their lives.

I think that all addictions require a renewing of the mind. I just that think that most alcoholics can stop drinking first then renew the mind later. A codependent person must renew their mind in parallel with fighting their addiction.

This is part of the reason why I am so excited that we are bringing a full spectrum recovery ministry to the church. How hard it must be for someone that is struggling so hard to not think lustful thoughts when they are surrounded by beautiful women, all day, that want to show the world just how awesome their bodies are? It would be like me becoming a busboy at a bar.

We have the opportunity to take the 12th step the world. If you are in recovery, from anything, then you have the duty to take it to them. Not just the drunks and the druggies, but all hurting people. If you believe that God gave mankind the 12 steps, as I do, then its power is for everyone.

My prayer goes out to all the still suffering addicts that can't get the cravings to go away.

Johnny

The Bottom

"I hit rock bottom and then I got sober."

Is there such a thing as rock bottom?

Why was my rock bottom different from yours?

This guy kills someone while driving drunk. He goes to jail for 10 years and then starts drinking again when he gets out of jail. What is his rock bottom? Is death his rock bottom?

I am not rambling. I have recently met an alcoholic that should have hit bottom, but I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice: he hasn't hit his bottom.

It is so hard to not grab him and shake him and let him know that there is a better life. Slap him and tell him that he can be happy.

Why are we all so different?

I went to a treatment center in Cushing, Oklahoma called Valley Hope. They have an impressive recovery rate of 20%. That means that 80% of the wonderful people that I met are most likely back in treatment, in jail, or dead. Why did I get it and they didn't?

I know that Jesus is the only reason that I am sober today. I know that for some reason that grace was shown to me. I don't want to minimize what I did. I'll never forget that day I left Valley Hope. I was so scared. I knew in my heart that I didn't have a chance. All I knew to do was to talk to God right then and there. I prayed, "God, I know that I will most likely fail, but I promise you that I will not go quietly. I will go down swinging." I meant it. I know that He knew that I meant it.

I guess that I don't really believe that someone has to reach a devastating bottom to realize how awful that their life has become. Maybe I should say that is my prayer. That one day we'll be able to reach out to the still suffering alcoholic and help them to see that there is life past alcohol; a life full and rich.

Please pray my friend that he sees the light before he finds a horrific bottom.

Johnny

Sober in West Virginia?

This October I turn 38.

I was telling a co-worker today that I do not see turning 38 as a bad thing at all. It seems that the older I get the better my decisions in life get. So, based on that logic, I should be pretty good in about 30 years.

Sorry, I'll get back on track here. This year for my birthday I am going backpacking Senaca Creek in Backcountry, West Virginia (cue banjo music!) with some guys from my church. My wife is going to be staying at a Bed & Breakfast in Smoke Hole, Virginia. I will be meeting up with her on a Sunday night and we will spend the evening together before heading back home on Monday.

On the surface, I suppose that this is something that is common enough for a guy to do, but I can't help but think that I would not be going backpacking if I wasn't sober.

I am so looking forward to spending time in nature just being in awe of God and His creation.

I am planning on taking a notebook and recording my thoughts and my activities while I am there. I hope to write about it after I get back...if the bears don't get me!

I have been thinking about how much alcohol robs you of life. As soon as I get done typing I'm going to go play my electric guitar. Probably jam out to some Jeremy Camp songs. I could not have done that while I was drinking. I didn't care about anything else, while I was drinking, accept for drinking. Now I get to enjoy life.

Walking through the mountains of West Virginia is going to be a way for me to take back something that was taken from me. I am going to breathe the fresh air, drink crystal clear stream water, and be amazed at how fast I can run away from an angry bear!

Isn't life sober so much better?

Take care of yourself and just don't drink today!

Johnny