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Monday, April 30, 2007

Remebering Back

I don't put a lot of clout in how long I've been sober; I'm only one drink away from being a drunk again.

That being said, when I come up on my anniversary I always reflect on how different my life is now that I've stopped drinking. It's never been hard for me to remember exactly what my last week was like before I went in for treatment. Looking back, I can't believe that I didn't have to make a trip to the hospital. I drank like...well, like there was no tomorrow.

It is safe to say that I've never been as scared as I was four years ago right now. The best way that I can explain it is thinking about death without hope in Christ: "What will it be like?"

I couldn't fathom a life without alcohol. I couldn't imagine what it would be like.

Now I look back and I am amazed at God's grace and redemption. Why He invested so much time and love on a self-centered drunk is way beyond me, but it taught me something about God's character that is essential to my sobriety: God loves me just like I am right now. He's not up there thinking, "If Johnny didn't do this I would be able to fully love him."

I don't think that most of us can comprehend being unconditionally loved. Parents claim to understand because they unconditionally love their children, but if you talk to 98%(I made that number up!) of the children of those same parents they will tell you that their parents did not love them unconditionally.

So, where is our frame of reference? Nobody loves everyone unconditionally. How do we grasp that God loves us so much? I don't know. I think that I'm starting to glimpse it, but I can't explain it very well. I'll stick with what Paul says, "...while we were yet sinners he sent his son, Jesus, to die for us. I guess that pretty much defines unconditional love, doesn't it?


Be safe, stay sober, and know that you are forgiven,

Johnny

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Recovery Ministry meeting #2

A few of us met in between services yesterday to talk about how the Recovery Ministry would be presented to the church. Someone said that they liked the name "Exchange 180" so that's how I'm going to start referring to it. It's easier to type!

It was a good meeting. I think the most important thing we walked away with was the need to create a mission statement that would state our agenda. We don't want people that are hurting to think that we are hiding something or that we want something from them.

I was also struck with the fact that the four men in the meeting were so different and had such different perspectives. We have one guy in the group that is very old school AA and that is great. We need that balance.

Greg talked about starting the program beginning in September instead of January. This really excited me. Getting the word out about this ministry is going to be easy. I'm going to ask Greg if he can talk to our Pastor of small groups and see if he can't get me invited to speak at some or our small groups to share about Exchange 180 and what we are trying to accomplish and who we are trying to serve. I think that getting the word out to our congregation will provide a very natural and steady funnel of people that want something in their lives to change.

Stay strong, be safe, and trust the Lord,

Johnny

Friday, April 27, 2007

4 years and it still affects me

Last night I was working at my 2nd job. It is a place that outfits police cars with lights, sirens, etc... So, as you can imagine, it's a shop, but not with the typical "shop atmosphere".

The owner of the company is a Christian and most of the guys there, though not believers, are pretty good guys. They don't spend much time talking about the girls they've had. We laugh, poke fun at each other, and just have an all around good time while we work.

We had been working on a new Crown Vic and a new Tahoe that the guys were taking to an Outfitters convention in Chicago this weekend. We knew that last night was going to be a long night. We had to get everything done before we left for the night.

At about 7:30 one of the guys said that he needed some beer. So, he left for about 15 minutes and came back with some. When he got back a couple of the guys started drinking the beer.

There were open beer cans on the main work table that we were working on. That really didn't bother me at all, but their breath was sending chills down my spine. It's amazing to me that smell, more than any other sense, can such an amazing affect on my body.

I have stayed sober for four years by having some serious, non-negotiable boundaries. In other words, I would have left if I had felt really uncomfortable.

It made me think about my boundaries. People are always asking me how I've stayed sober. I believe that God is responsible for my sobriety. However, I believe the way that He did it was by giving me boundaries and giving me the ability to buy into them.

I don't have to make hard choices about my sobriety because I don't let myself get into situations where I have to make those hard choices. I have the same boundaries with my marriage. I don't have close relationships with any other women than my wife. That way I don't have to make a hard choice about an affair.

I don't go to bars, I don't go to Super Bowl Parties, I don't talk about my drinking days like they were "Glory Days".

Those are concrete things that I can avoid, but what about my triggers? I don't tolerate guilt in my life. When I do something wrong I make amends right away. If it's more of a character issue, I ask forgiveness and then I ACCEPT the forgiveness. If my mind tries to bring up the issue again I remind myself that God's Word tells me that He forgives me and I move on.

I also have given my list of triggers to the people in my life that I trust. They what know what to look for and they know what do to if they see me depressed, angry for too long, or if I start to seclude myself.

I think what it all boils down to is trying my best to never have to be holding a whiskey and coke in my hands and waiting for that time to make a decision.

My trust is not in my boundaries. My trust is in God, but I keep the boundaries. I guess that I kind of feel like Moses and my boundaries are my 10 commandments!

I would be glad to talk to anyone about boundaries. Buzz me if anyone wants to know more.

Be safe and stay sober,

Johnny

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Ball is Rolling

We had our first meeting about starting the recovery ministry at church. I didn't really know what to expect. I knew some of the people there, but none of them well. There were about 12 people that showed up.

I think that the makeup of the meeting showed what our intentions are. There were only three alcoholics there. The rest were made up of people that had pain in there life, from a source other than alcohol or drugs. That is part of what we are trying to accomplish. Anybody that tries to cope with life's problems with something that is unhealthy or not in moderation is in need of some kind of recovery help.

I think that what I was excited about the most was the level of intelligence and passion in the room. There was a former Judge, two counselors, and several business people. All were very passionate about why they thought our church needed to bring recovery into the mainstream church.

It was our fist meeting. The second should come sometime in the middle of May '07.

I will post more about our progress.

Remember: Life is about progress, not perfection.

Take care of yourselves,

Johnny

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Lost a friend

Last Saturday I had to put one of my dogs to sleep. I rescued Sasha almost 3 years ago. My dogs are a very important part of my sobriety. I think that they give me just a glimpse of how my God loves me; unconditionally.

I rescue boxers because that's what I think happened to me. I feel like nobody wanted me. I had some kind of flaw that made people look past me. Then one day a man walks by my cage and says, "This one. This is the one that want." Then he takes me home and loves and cares for me.

I miss Sasha terribly, but I know that she is running and playing with Leo and Duke (my two other rescues that have passed on).

I prayed right after I left the vet on Saturday and asked God that If I do get any treasures in heaven, if it's okay with Him, I would like those treasures to be a big open field and all my dogs. I can't imagine a better heaven than that.

Stay strong and stay sober.

Johnny

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Celebrate Recovery

I was approached about a month ago about giving my thoughts on a new program at my church called "Celebrate Recovery". The idea is to take the alcoholics and addicts out of the small room in the basement of the church.

I think that putting recovery at the forefront is a wonderful idea. Saddleback church, in Lake Forest, California, started Celebrate Recovery to address the issues that Christians face in dealing with sobriety,addictions, co-dependency, and pain in general.

Well, I fell in love with the program. We are going to start meeting to discuss how a "Celebrate Recovery" ministry might look in suburban Indiana.

I am going be updating the ongoings of this ministry in these pages. I hope to be able to share with you how we approached this important issue.

Take care,

Johnny

The 12th

I ran into a guy the other day that I know. The scene really sent chills down my back. He smelled like whiskey and his hands shook so badly that you would have thought that he had Parkinson's disease.

It really sent me back to before I quit drinking. I remember always having my arms folded in a defiant stance. I suppose that it showed "Power", but I was only trying to hide my hands. No matter what I did I could not stop them from shaking.

I've been sober for about 4 years now and have never had the opportunity to talk to an alcoholic that was nearing the bottom.

It wasn't what I had expected at all. I thought there would either be angry yells, or tearful hugs. I did not expect detached admittance. I suppose, for me, this was best...as if that's what matters here.

He said that he would cut back his drinking. Actually what he said is that he knew that he couldn't cut back, but that was going to be his first step.

We talked some about the fallacy of "admitting" being the first step. Sure, it's part of it. Admitting that you are powerless over alcohol is the first step.

I'm going to get him some AA information. He said that he'd be very interested in going to a meeting with me.

It was a great experience for me and he knows where to turn to when he figures it all out.

Johnny